It's all in my head
I live in my head a lot. I realised that after doing meditation for a while. I daydreamed a lot as a student. Focusing on my classes is something too boring compared to what I can think in my head. I run to books and stories to live in those parallel worlds, instead of my present. I am usually sad, anxious and dreadful about some imaginative future and events that are not likely to happen (like very unlikely...)
Then in small moments in daily life, I live in my imaginative world when I do something wrong, I get stuck in that world I create for that action. Like if I got annoyed and snapped at my daughter, I would get stuck at that for being a bad mother, how my daughter would not trust me and feel safe emotionally with me, how can I make this better and not ruin my daughter's life and our relationship, how can I fix that small issue. And I got stuck. I got stuck at being that bad mother trying to fix the issue, in that feeling of self loath, I got stuck in a tight atmosphere, a world in which I try to break out but I cannot because my daughter seems to be fine and laugh and move on with her other things, but I was still stuck. I usually got out after a few signals from the outside world that can shake that reality, like when my daughter laugh and seem alright with me for a few more hours or days. But I felt so helpless, so hard to break out. And that world made me so negative, anxious and worried. And I cannot be anything but anxious, annoying and tired. And I cannot move on from that world, to enjoy other things as any other normal day.
And then today I managed to dispel that world. Just by... I don't know exactly how it happens. But I was feeling really stuck again, and I just laid and felt so bad and tired. And then I went from trying to sleep to my child, ready to snap again. But then I realise I don't have to. I can be just a good mother, with a good mood, despite of being snappy just a few hours ago. I don't need to follow that world I created any more.
I don't have to follow that small world in my head, that frame I created in my head, that thing I created to make sense of the world, if that makes sense.